The Skinny White Boy KastPod

I once attended (don’t ask), in the early nineties, the global sales meeting of a multi-level marketing company by the name of Herbalife. This “event” dubbed the Extravaganza was where all the “sales reps” for this dietary-powder-supplement selling pyramid company were jazzed, pepped, motivated, whatever’ed by a well organized team of all together more fortunate high ranking officials in the company. It started with the President of the company (Mark Hughes), suposedly the healthiest man alive (who promptly died at age 40 of heart failure), being rolled onto the stage inside Atlanta’s Georgia Dome in a fake helicopter to his very own theme-song (in this case “Simply the Best”, by Tina Turner). The rest of the 3-day event were a blur of guest speakers and REVOLUTIONARY product announcements. It only makes sense that a company shipping powdered food-supplements would start a line of fragrances and cosmetic products, right? The event was closed by a dazzling performance of Julio Iglesias. Dazzling for the fact that I can’t stand the man, but that I seemed to be the only one there who hated it, and all around me people were asking how it was possible that such a superstar would show up for a free concert. The day after the event, sales sky-rocketed. Not in the least because the sales-reps for this company have to buy the products before they can sell them, and everyone seemed to want to get their hands on the new facial creme. Needless to say, everything was on back-order for weeks.

I can’t help but being reminded of this when I watch video footage of Steve Jobs’ latest key-note. Randy Newman may have been hipper then Julio at one point, but there is at least a small factor of hasbeenism involved. Why is it that people go all ape-shit over total none announcements? A new Apple TV and existing users (oh thank you, Steve Jesus Jobs) will be able to upgrade for free! We have improved the formula of our chocolate-flavored diet-powder and it will be available to all distributors (oh bless you, Mark Jesus Hughes) at no extra cost.

We are not going to mention that if you still have the old cans, you can’t return it. Better sell it quick! If you paid 500 bucks for your iPhone, well tough! We are going to lower the price to 199 dollars. (OK, so that one didn’t happen — But it could!) Why is an upgrade to an existing product news? Why are different colors to the iPod worthy of applause? Now if Steve Jobs brought me world peace, maybe I would thank the man, but it isn’t something I can download from iTunes… An application I don’t like anyway.

When I bought my first MP3 Player, I was already a podcaster. When investigating, I found out that there wasn’t an iPod with reasonable recording capabilities. I found that in an iRiver, which was smaller than anything Apple could sell me (at least at the time). It was available in a color even. WHOAH! While others may be perfectly happy with a player, I needed a recorder. Nothing wrong with iPods, but not for me.

Frankly, I just don’t understand the iPhone. It seems that it’s not perfectly primed for business users and at the same time too feature-rich for casual users. And the battery not being removeable? Everyone knows that if a cell phone gets wet, you need to take the battery out. I can’t say I’ve ever dunked any of my phones in the toilet, but I do have a dog who seems to favor small electronics for chewing. I consider both my dog and the battery technical flaws. Also, you have to look at the iPhone to operate it (because everything is done on the touch screen). That might work on the Nintendo DS, but when do you use a mobile phone the most? Exactly, when you are mobile. I would like to be able to do some things without having to look. And where does that leave the people with limited iSight? And now the MacBook Air… For the third time in rapid succession, Apple has created a device where form does not follow function. Rather, form dictates function. I don’t like to be told how to use a device, I don’t care how cool it looks.

Only one USB port? So if I plug in my external soundcard (yes I am a podcaster, I own one of those) where do I plug in my mouse? And not that I use firewire all that much, but it would have helped with the previous dilemma. And an Apple device without firewire just seems… well lacking. Speaking of lacking, why is there no optical drive? What if I simply want to stick in a music CD? Or transfer some files. Yeah, yeah I know. Thumb drive you say, but guys… There is only one USB port and no firewire! The thing doesn’t have a line-in. I could use my ext. soundcard for that, but again… Only one USB port and no firewire! AND ONCE AGAIN… You can’t remove the battery??

Sure they made the touchpad multi-touch, a trick they picked up from the iPhone. But how often do you really need to scale and rotate pictures? And I faked “multi-touch” moves on my laptop, just to see how it would feel. I had to stop after a minute, because my wrist was hurting!

Whether you wear a mock t-neck or a tux and make your entrance in a helicopter, no Randy Newman or Julio Iglesias will help you when the battery goes out or you choke on your chocolate dietary supplement. When the packaging is bigger than the product it carries, when the packaging becomes more important than the product, disappointment is not far down the road. Probably only 3 levels deep in the pyramid scheme.